Journal 2 (2nd Imperfection)
At 26 years old, John was promoted to a higher position at a phone survey company. There were two guys, Chris and James, who used to be his friends before John got promoted. He moved from sharing an office with two guys to working in the cubicle. When he went to the office, there was a new guy named Nugai that took his place and he was staring at him for a long, excruciating, painful, ten seconds. Chris and James told Nugai to follow John and tell him what they think of him as returns to his cubicle. Nugai is the type of person who doesn’t really like to take orders from his fellow employers, so he was very skeptical and reluctant when Chris and James told him what they wanted. When John left the office, Nugai secretly followed him, and as soon he was near his cubicle, Nugai beat up John in front of the security camera. The original plan was to verbally abuse John which drastically failed, so the two guys took matters into to their own hands. After John got beat up, Nugai confusingly got promoted to get fired. The two guys went up to John and his cubicle, verbally abused him, which surprisingly impressed the boss. Chris and James were promoted while John got demoted to a janitor.
I am slightly confused about the crisis action, it doesn't seem as dramatic as your making it. Your choice of words are peculiar and some of it does not fit correctly into the sentences. You should improve upon SHOWING and not TELLING because like Mrs. Defeo said, you need to attract the reader so that they want to read more.
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